mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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