haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
