Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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