Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You can't motorboat a personality
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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