Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
how drunk are you?
Several
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
