I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
