I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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