did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
