I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
