Christians are straight up FREAKS
So drunk its hurt
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
