Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
