Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Randomize
