you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
