my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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