I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
