Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
