I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
