they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
