If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
