My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
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