She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
