just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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