I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
