When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
