How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
