I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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