did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
