Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
