My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
