this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
