Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
