Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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