FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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