Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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