I was born with a shot glass in my hand
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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