I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
