So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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