He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
