So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Randomize
