I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
