Im at strip club and am horny
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
