the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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