Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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