Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
