I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
