Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
