I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
