i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
