i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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