Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
