as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
