dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
