Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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