Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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