So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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