he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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